Honestly, I have been pretty miserable here and have absolutely HATED this location because of the cold, the constant rain, bull dodging, bull shit, expensive groceries, homesickness, lack of transportation, isolation, bad food, lack of produce, constant negativity and tension, too much drinking and lack of exercise. I feel fat and ugly. I miss the sun and summer.
I am out of tears and have finally recovered from Monday's breakdown in which I was completely physically and emotionally exhausted, frustrated and in shock from the consequences that occurred when Laura and I decided to skip the 5:00 bus and work late at the studio. We had a horrifying two hour trek home from school in which we had to climb, in torrential rain, over thorny bramble covered stone walls and electric fences, hop at least seven fields, suck flies up our noses, all in order to avoid the two 2000 lb. bulls that were blocking our path on the way home. We were completely in shock and soaked through to our underwear when we came home. Rose made us tea and grilled cheese sandwiches. We had class with Scot. I took a Midol PM and went to bed. Cheryl made sure I drank water and Laura brought me coffee in the morning. I would never make it through this experience without the love and friendship of these amazing women.
It's an understatement to say that it has been very frustrating not having a car to get back to the studio at night or to travel to a less expensive grocery store. Despite our traumatic, bad video game-like experience in the fields, Laura and I decided we are going to pack food and work late this week and walk home together. Our sweet barmaid from Loughlin's, Margaret, removed the "maiden heffers" from the field. Hopefully they will stay out of the fields, the flies will stay out of my nose, the shit will stay off of my shoes and the rain will stay off of my bones.
Yes, it's been like hell for me here but I have to say highlights have been: the support of the other girls and all of our good laughs, studio time with my ipod, our magical walks home with Rosie, the neighborhood cows and horses, bike riding on the Aran Islands, our group meals, writing the artist statement and thinking about my work, the tours and the fact that the rocks and rain really have impacted my work. I limited my palette to black and white and took out all of my anger and frustrations out on the paper. This focus of energy, fuck it all attitude and looseness has led me to see a continuity in my work.
I've decided, despite all of the distractions around- even in a place like this- I need to shut everything out, focus on my work and try to stay positive. I feel like I've been through hell and just need to pull through to the end. I am going to plow through these readings- which, although tedious to read when you want to be working on your work or thinking about your work, or blogging, or reading something more relevant to your work... each have valuable nuggets of information or inspiration. I am going to put on my game face and get it done.
The other night, after finally having a few hours to myself to just relax and let ideas gel, I had so much clarity and wrote everything down in my sketchbook. I have so many ideas that I would like to pursue this week.
I am following my voice. I am finding it. It sings many songs and that's okay. I think I will title my show "Rock, paper, cows". Now, back to the readings. I am going to forgo the swing concert going on at the church, the midieval castle dinner to get these done so I don't have to worry about them next week and get make some work.
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